...

So many words can explain where I have been, however, I am not going to create a excuse out of these words. My life has been a life, a life full of drama, a life full of stress, a life full of lies. But never has my life been nothing less then a life full of life.
This is what life is and unfortunately I am just another person in this life, with these lies, stress and drama continuously following of me.
But thats the way things are, I will continue to be strong, I will continue to breath, breath in life as its meant to be.

I gave in to the crave, and I lost all control. I spent good money on useless food. Why? I dunno, I thought I wanted it. I gained weight, up to 142 by estimate, but then it hit me, what have I done? I have let the one thing that I thought I was in control over secretly control me. Well no more. the day I realised was the day I had my tonsils removed, I figured perfect, if i can't swallow, I can't eat. Well here I am today Day 16, I have lost at least 12 pounds. I lost the first 10 within 6 days. Then the second thought hit me, I can do this. I can be the one I have always wanted to be. The lightweight dancer, the gorgeous, sexy, skinny girl. Just keep this up.

Food will never control me again.

xox Sandy

Why am I not happy?

I'm finally under 130.
But somehow I'm not excited about it.
Is it because I feel like shit?
Is it because I spent the past two nights crying?
Is it because I don't understand my boyfriend?
Or is it the fact my boyfriend doesn't think he should be with be because he thinks I'm perfect and he is an unaffectionate dick?
I don't think he his and he won't listen to me.
We have been together almost 2 year I love him so much and he doesn't believe that he can be loved because he can't love back.
I just can't deal with this.
And I don't know what to do.
It's hard to explain because everythig I do, including now I start to cry.
Thinking about it.. U know he is scared of commitment, but what if.. What if he is realizing he does really like me but but wants to push me away because he is scared?
I just don't know. :(
Like last night he assumed I wanted to break up... I didn't. I just wanted to know what was up.
Fuck I'm a mess :(

Can't stand life right now.
-sandyy

Emotions... Apparently their running wild.

Wow,
I have really noticed, that in the past few days my emotions have been all over the place. Like one minutes I'm fine having fun and laughing. The next minute something's bugging me and I'm nearly in tears. I really don't understand it.
Sure in the past few days I have managed to keep within my 500-600 calorie limit, but never has it played this hard on my emotions. Has anyone else experienced this?

Trying hard
_ Sandyy <3

Insomniac?

Ita 3:30 am guess I'm going back to the days of not being able to sleep.
Worked really late tonight. Good, I stayed away from stupid pizza on the oven, Bad another late night.
Seems as if no matter when I go to bed I must lay in bed for at least an hr before I can sleep. That's great.
So I've finally brought down my stress weight to what I can admit. I was 131 tuesday morning. And I have been loosing 1 pound a day so I'm assuming I'm 130 seeing as I didn't go over my limit and ate less then yesterday today.
I can actually start to see my ribs around my belly button again. Made me smile a bit.
Some things seem to be shining while other are still dull but that's life right? Gotta get through the storm in order to see a rainbow. Translate that and u gotta feel the pain to see the good results.
Staying strong
-Sandy

My emotional rollar coster

Over the past few months I have been under soo much stress. I lost a lot of weight and put it all back on. Now it won't change. I'm starting university this fall and I'm scared shitless.
I miss my cousin sooo much. I really really do. But at the same time I hate her. She was my best/only friend. The sister I never had. And she just ditched. Like everyone else does. I find it so hard to keep a good friendship without having to overly work hard at it. I believe I have given up. I don't go out of my way to talk/see people because I'm usually working or to tired or lazy. I just don't feel motives. Maybe it's cuz every friend I have had just ends up ditching me. All I got is my boyfriend. Which we se each other at work all the time so we only hangout once a week. We have been together for 2 years now.
But in a way I guess with my cousin it's my fault. But in don't wanna talk to her just as much as I do. And I feel. If she really wants to talk to me, what's stopping her?
Everytime something reminds me of it, I cry. I just can't handle it. I ran into her last month. I almost cried. I can't do it. I don't know what to do.

I was watching the final few eps. To Hannah montana. (ya I like that show) and Miley and Lillys relashionship and them going to collage reminded me of what me and my cousins was and how it could have been instead of like this and man, I just went on that emotional rollarcoaster and now I can't get off :(
Ugh.

Honesty time.

For once I need to be honest.
I'm scared I'm fat.
I'm scared I'm not loosing weight.
I'm scared I'm a horrible person.
I'm scared I'm loosing my friends.
I'm scared to go out on my own.
I'm scared I'm going to eventually loose the love of my life.
I'm scared my familys falling apart.
I'm scared I'm going to be poor.
I'm scared to graduate.
I'm scared to quit my job.
I'm scared I won't make enough money for university.
I'm scared I'm going to get fatter.

Everyone keeps telling my I look good and pretty...
I'm scared there just saying that to make me smile.

The annoyance

Well, today kinda sucked.
But I dont wanna get into why. Im not in the best mood.
I'm quite upset because who I thought was my close good friend decided to tell me that, even tho I'm in a 18 month relationship with who I think is the most amazing man ever, I dont know what its like to be treated right by a guy. .., I'm fucking offended.
I can see the rest of my life with this guy and she hasen't talked to me in a month just little conversations and she has the nurve to randomly announce to me that my guy is and asshole and some other guy will treat me better.
Well news flash hun. I'm 2 years older then you. I have been with him for a year and a half. Known him for 3. And let's seeu started dating ur boy 2 weeks after u met him. You accused or last Bf of cheating on you when he didn't. And your immature and you think ur better then everyone else. I'm done highschool. U still got 2 years to go.
I am pretty sure I am capable of making my own decisions.
Thankyou

--—--

I'm sry every I had to let that out.
Hopefully there will be better news tomorrow :)

Mom attack

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Mom just got a new job.. Of all places it is at cobs bakery.
So every night she works late she brings home bags full of bread.
Greaaaattt -.-'
Another thing I have to force myself to avoid.
I'm already feeling like shit, because I'm not loosing weight. The LAST thing I want to do is put it on.
Why is it I always have the wost luck :(
I dunno how this is gonna work :(
I really need to talk to someone.
I getting more and more upset and down everyday.
The only thing I have to look forward to is my dance show in May.
Except at this rate I'm going to be the fat one, in which everyone wonders why I'm there.

Meltdown

I got a new job...
Now I work two jobs, both keeping me extremely busy. It's great because now that I'm done school I'm runningback and forth between jobs and dance, it's also keeping me occupied enough to avoid food. Except I haven't lost anything or gained anything. And for that I have become very depressed. Sure I'm also making a lot of money so guarented enough for university come September. But I miss my friends. I either get ditched at last minute. There busy or I'm at work. For some reason I feel they are avoiding me now that they are not forced to see me every day. Currently the only buddy I see outside of work and dance is my boyfriend. But I miss my girls. Well the few I still have :( it's 1am and I've spent the last hr crying over the fact that I'm lonely. Just typing those words make me cry.
Half my family decided they hated me and my parents so they buggered off couple years ago. One of them was my cousin... My best friend, my second half... She was the sister I didn't have. And I miss her :(
I finally had got out of my ED routine, but it's back. No doubt.
I'm scared, upset, lonely ... I'm depressed.
I'm overworked, tired, ... I can't eat.
I'm losing hair, brittle nails ... I'm sick
I'm fat,
I don't know how long this will last but I need support. I need someone who will be there for me. I just need a friend, someone, to talk to