The friend.

I purged today. I wished I didn't. I almost passed out after as it was hard to stop myself and I couldn't breath.
My tummy hurts. It feels like my ribs are twisted and a knife is stabbing me.
I found out today my friend is struggling with anorexia and bulimia.
She is in recovery tho. Sort of.
It makes me sad. I'd rather suffer on my own then know that anorexia and/or bulimia had taken over her life.
It's a cruel world out there and I guess some of use are just to weak to survive it. :(

But i guess it's kinda great I can have someone to talk to and relate to.
Well for the fact I created this blog to get out my feelings. It's nice to finally know I'm really not alone and there is someone there for me.

Still hanging in there
-Sandyy :)
I'll be back Saturday.

Sigh

So Saturday the scale said I was down 2.5 pounds. I was happy.
But why am I now feeling careless about not putting it back on.
I feel so upset lately. It's my grad year the big grade 12 of 2011 and already 2 friends won't talk to me. One even deleted me off Facebook.
All my close friends are not in my grade, either graduated a year or more ago or will graduate a year or 2 after me.
Half my family won't talk to me or my mom because of stupid family drama.
Why is it so utterly impossible to live a normal happy life?

My best friend, also friend with benefits, can't even bother to figure out how he feels about me. Hence the fact were still fwb. It's kinda bugs me.

I feel like me life is falling apart all while it's half assed coming together.
I have no control of it.

Fuck if only I could stop worrying about what I eat and how much exercise I do. But I can't. If I did I'd be gigantic.

Ugh well I promise to keep writing at least once a week. It seems as tho this is the only way I can truly express to anyone how I feel.
Hanging in there.
~Sandyy
<3

The unexpected pound

Somehow today I managed to put on a pound :( one single pound, yet I didn't eat anything more then usual :(
I worked hard not to but I did anyways. I really need to start looking into so help from diet pills.
I hate food. I do I do.
Hopefully by next Saturday I can be down 2 pounds.

I can do this
-sandy.

P.s - Here are a list of books relating to ED's :)

A Skeleton in the Closet: Remembering My Spirit
by Beth Sarabura, Adam Himber, Patrizza Elizabeth Jimenez, Hilda Wong

Angel Mommy: A Story of a Bulimic Mother
by Linda Krikorian

Eve's Apple
by Jonathan Rosen

Fat Chance
by Leslea Newman

Good Enough...
by Cynthia Nappa Bitter

Kelly's Last Chance
by Lorraine Trovato-Cantori

Life Size
by Maurice Beck Hexter

My Sister's Bones
by Cathi Hanauer

Perk!: The Story of a Teenager with Bulimia
by Liza F. Hall

Second Star to the Right
by Deborah Hautzig, Joy Peskin, S. November

Starving Hearts
by Lynn Ruth Miller

Stick Figure: A diary of My Former Self
by Lori Gottlieb

The Best Little Girl in the World
by Steven Levenkron

The Hunger
by Marsha Forchuk Skrypuch

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
by Marya Hornbacher

Killer pains.

I hate hate hate menstrual cramps they hurt sooo much! I can't wait till I don't have them anymore
So I did good today I was on the go a
Restricted greatly.
Great first week back at school, I've got decent courses and I'm busy after school everyday in such a way I'm not home for dinner. Woot :)

Few days ago I had a really bad binge and I resulted back to purging. I had tried so hard to avoid it but I really just couldn't help it. Sometimes I feel like it's the only way.
I really hope things start to get better soon.

Keepin it real
--Sandyyy

....

I'm Sorry!

neopets game

this is such an amazing way to waste time and not think about food.
its helped me ignore my hunger pains soooo much!
try it out :)
click the link below.
add me as a friend if you want too.
sweetsour024
ya it may be a little childish but its a great way to kill time.

(this is my pet)

The binge

I hate myself soooo much tonight.
I was doing sooooo good, fasting and eating only wheni had to and under 300-500 a day but burning off everything I ate. Well tonight I had a rice cake and everything went down hill from there.
I regret it and it so bad I can't even explain it!!

I need someone to talk to. I haven't talked to C in forever. Like a year ish now. I feel like I have no one. It's like it's me vs food and I'm scared of it. One slip up and I fail badly. I will try again tomorrow, and I'll overly exersize to burn what I ate today I promise!

Trying hard.
Sandyyy <3

Negative cals

Feeling the tiredness of no energy in my system. My stomach only full of water and lactose free milk. I still feel awful.
I didn't eat much today but from what I did eat I burned it all off, plus more on my DDR.

Ugh im starting to deffinatly feel like Im on my own. My family is always fighting... Feels great. My friends always have the good things happening to them, all I have to talk to is my boy. Who even then were no officialy dating where friends with benefits as he doesn't have time outside work and school to date.

I hate this. I really do and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm cold all the time, I'm hungry, and my mom worries about me. Bu she is too busy worring about family drama to really notice.

The fast

Sooo I've been fasting alot laitly. Started Tuesday. Lasted 43 hours, (till thursday night) then I was forced to eat. I tried everything to get put of it. But I failed.
I had little bit of salmon, potatoe(baked) and peas. Then had a little bit of this dessert bread at my aunties bday.
I feel fat, I look fat, I hate it.
I was able to fast all of Friday unroll today. At lunch I had a salad piece of bread and my mom made me eat a hot cross bun. That ended my 38 hr fast. Mad I hate the weekends. I think I'm gonna go purge that lunch right now I feel so gross and fat from it.
After I'm gonna go work the rest off on my DDR.
Lottsa love Sandy

Valentines day

Wow, it's the night before valentines day and for what I thought was real actual plans for the first time on valentines day... And they're not.

I really think that for once I can say, I hate valentines day. Last year, my bf at that time wouldn't talk to me... The next day he dumped me. The year before... I didn't have one ... And the year before that, he wouldn't talk to me, I ended up dumping him 2 days later. But this year I have a bf. We were gonna go swimming, but nope he has to go shopping, then we both have to work. Well fuck you, you have no idea but I'm crying right fucking now, at 11:56pm the night before valentines day.

Hope everone else's day is better then mine.
Imma stay strong tho. Maybe when I'm smaller I'll have better luck with guys.

Love sandy. <3

I'm back!

Sandy is back,
except this time I'm in control.

I'm sorry I dissapeared for a couple of months, after my teeth came out I was forced to eat. As I collapsed many times. I gained :( I was mad. So I've been working hard to loose. I didn't want to let you guys down, so I made a deal I wouldn't come back untill I fit my size smaller jeans and guess what I do! So I'm back for good.

I found out I'm lactose intallerent, woot a great excuse to avoid dairy products :D
I'm also allergic to all nuts, and cherrys, so another yay for another excuse I can use :D

Gonna stay strong, Hopfully soon I'll be the goal size I've always dreamed of.
I MISSED YOU GUYS!
-Sandy